English Humour


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English Humour

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авторитет

Ссылка на сообщение 3 июля 2012 г. 02:17  
When children, most of us I'm sure used to be fond of black humour rhymes, some still are. Pity almost all I remember are in Russian. But almost is not really all. Here you are:

Mother held her little daughter
Fifteen minutes under water,
Not to make her any troubles,
But to see the funny bubbles.
–––
Умей восхищаться нелюбимым


философ

Ссылка на сообщение 3 июля 2012 г. 15:53  
HOOSH It was not English but american humour.
–––
It's a Barnum and Bailey world,
Just as phony as it can be, But it wouldn't be make-believe If you believed in me.


авторитет

Ссылка на сообщение 3 июля 2012 г. 17:04  
O.K. then.
–––
Умей восхищаться нелюбимым


миродержец

Ссылка на сообщение 3 июля 2012 г. 18:26  

цитата yegorfant

It was not English but american humour.


as they say, two countries divided by common language :-)))


Here are some of Little Willies:

Willie in his roguish way
Tipped Grandpa on the fire one day.
Mother said “My dear that’s cruel!
But of course it does save fuel.”

---------------

Little Willie, feeling sore,
Threw his pa in the reservoir.
Mother sighed, “You never think!
That water’s there for folks to drink!”

------------

Into the cistern little Willie
Pushed his little sister Lily.
Father couldn’t find his daughter,
Now we sterilize our water.
–––
Eramos pocos y parió la abuela


миротворец

Ссылка на сообщение 26 июля 2012 г. 18:43  
When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer Bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro — what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Earthquake in Washington, D.C. its obviously the government's fault .

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too


миродержец

Ссылка на сообщение 28 июля 2012 г. 12:58  
:-)))


I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.
Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care
where a 3-yr-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He’s all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was
Sir Cumference.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was
a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.

A thief fell & broke his leg in wet cement.
He became a hardened criminal.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it’s your vote that counts;in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft & I’ll show you A-flat miner.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

A calendar’s days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine. (‘Taint none of it mine lately!!)

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.
–––
Eramos pocos y parió la abuela


миротворец

Ссылка на сообщение 30 июля 2012 г. 18:43  


миротворец

Ссылка на сообщение 30 июля 2012 г. 18:44  


миродержец

Ссылка на сообщение 2 октября 2012 г. 23:57  
This Pilot Story May, or May Not Be True — What Do You Think?


The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.

'It will be waiting for you at the airport!' he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, 'Let's go! Let's go!' The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

'Fly over the north side of the fire,' said the photographer, 'and make three or four low level passes.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!' said the photographer with great exasperation.

After a long pause the pilot said, 'You mean you're not my flying instructor?'
–––
Eramos pocos y parió la abuela


гранд-мастер

Ссылка на сообщение 3 октября 2012 г. 00:14  

цитата Aryan

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
What's funny? Similarity in words "debate" and "the bait"?


активист

Ссылка на сообщение 3 октября 2012 г. 05:45  

цитата HOOSH

Mother held her little daughter

Maybe they were inspired by the Little Boy of Russia?:-)))


миродержец

Ссылка на сообщение 4 октября 2012 г. 17:38  

цитата V-a-s-u-a

Similarity in words "debate" and "the bait"?


not just that but also the fact that large gathertings of fish are called "schools" and what's a common practice in a school? Debate :-)
–––
Eramos pocos y parió la abuela


гранд-мастер

Ссылка на сообщение 4 октября 2012 г. 17:56  

цитата Aryan

not just that but also the fact that large gathertings of fish are called "schools"
Didn't know 'bout this. 8:-0


миродержец

Ссылка на сообщение 10 октября 2012 г. 16:17  
You Don't Need to Be a Weatherman...
It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang.
The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? ... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" -- and promptly slammed the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"
The husband replies, I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.
–––
Eramos pocos y parió la abuela


активист

Ссылка на сообщение 14 октября 2012 г. 22:29  
It's a very old yet funny urban legend:

A Charlotte, NC lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a law suit against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued.... and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART:

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and he was sentenced to 24 months in jail and ordered to pay a $24,000 fine. This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.


миродержец

Ссылка на сообщение 30 ноября 2012 г. 22:24  
–––
Eramos pocos y parió la abuela


миротворец

Ссылка на сообщение 4 января 2013 г. 01:06  
Galka That`s absolutely FAB! THX
–––
Night gathers and my watch begins.


миродержец

Ссылка на сообщение 18 февраля 2013 г. 00:13  
–––
Eramos pocos y parió la abuela


миродержец

Ссылка на сообщение 9 июня 2013 г. 18:50  
Q — What do you you get when you cross and insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?

A — Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog."

Groucho Marx
–––
Eramos pocos y parió la abuela


миродержец

Ссылка на сообщение 10 июня 2013 г. 09:58  

цитата Aryan

What do you you get when you cross and insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?

Aryan, are you sure it doesn't sound like that? 8:-0

цитата

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?

Your phrase made me think I was a dyslexic. :-)))
–––
В воротах цирка застрял танк. Толпа подожгла бассейн. Львица оказалась кабаном.
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